Sometimes, I would look into the past and realize that it’s not there anymore. Nothing that I had ever experienced is real. All the experiences that supposedly compose of my memory isn’t real. I have never felt loved. I have never felt happy. All that is real is the sadness that lays ahead. I always […]Read more "the third clarity"
Hot summer nights, mid July When you and I were forever wild The crazy days, city lights The way you’d play with me like a child Lana Del Rey, “Young and Beautiful” Lately, whenever I get home from work, I would sit down, still business casual, pull out my guitar and sing “Young and Beautiful” […]Read more "mid-july"
I once asked my friend why the melancholy disposition was considered to be sin as opposed to a source of religious truth after the eighteenth century. Her understanding was that melancholy is a sentiment of self-indulgence, which would remove an individual from the redemption of God. I thought about it. To a certain extent, I […]Read more "an object in motion"
Which is more real — the experience of love or the memory of love? It’s a trick question. Nothing is real, especially not feelings. At least, as long as I do not believe feelings exist, they don’t. I came up with this idea in my senior year of high school, when I wanted to will […]Read more "what it seemed"
I’ve been wanting to die lately. I always want to die, of course, but especially lately. It is interesting. I think about dying on a regular basis. I know how I would want to die, if I actually wanted to die, but it seems lately that I don’t actually want to die. Dying is just […]Read more "lust for life"
I frequently find myself drifting in a river. I move where the river wants me to move. The current swells besides me during particularly uneven terrain, and the surrounding landscape changes around me as I further progress down the river towards a waterfall that will eventually be the death of me. I can hear the […]Read more "two rocks in a river"
I have spent so much time… doing useless things. I have read countless books on the metaphysics of love and melancholia, only to marginally understand this subject better than I had understood it previously. I notice in my conversations that I am only able to articulate marginally more nuance than I could previously. It seems […]Read more "time wasted / too late"