I wonder what constitutes a life worth living.
Right now, I feel myself slowly drifting out of existence. There seems to be less and less choice I have in regards to the rest of my life. My career is, more or less, set for the rest of my life. I could either fight it in an attempt to do something else fitting an idealized concept I have created in an alternate timeline, or I can just allow myself to drift out of existence. There’s not much of a desire for me to do anything other than to accept the drifting I feel nowadays. It’s so gentle. It’s kind. Why would I fight it?
I used to think my career wasn’t that important. I wonder when I changed my mind. I used to think it was okay to not be successful as long as I had art and literature to keep me tethered to some sort of redemptive reality. I no longer believe that anymore. Art and literature are lowkey kinda lame. Somewhere down the line, I realized that no matter how much art and literature I consume, it will not make me happy. It’s just drawing circles and circles around some idea that cannot be approached, like orbiting a star whose gravitational pull is not strong enough to pull you in. At the end of the day, I’m dawdling around something that cannot be approached, and what is the point of waiting if there is no possibility of entry?
Lana, I used to really like your song Gods and Monsters. The life in the song is a life quite unlike mine, of course, but listening to it allowed me to imagine this glamourous lifestyle where destruction is immortalized into desire. I thought it was a really cool concept, even if it was your interpretation of your reality at one point. It seems quite distant ago I was listening to that song in the shower, feeling the glory of the glistening water draped over my back like lava rolling down a volcano, as if I was in some contemporary and glamorous version of Hell. I was listening to it again today, and I don’t find the concept as appealing. It’s no longer the life I want anymore.
I want a suburban home. Ideally, it would have a covered patio facing a big backyard. I would want it to have at least two stores in a safe neighborhood. I would prefer a modernist design, but I am flexible on that. That’s just one idea. If New York end up cheaper and more spacious, I might consider living in a high rise too. 53W53 looks pretty appetizing this time of year. Although, I would imagine that deciding which home to live in is subject to a lot of compromise. There are family concerns. I’m not sure if I want my kids to grow up in a city. Growing up in a city increases the risk of being snobby, and I don’t like snobby kids. I don’t know, Lana. I just want to be somewhere quiet with no loud parties upstairs.