There’s this girl I have been talking to, and I’m into her so much.

I remember during freshman year of college, I would have crushes on a lot of people. It could just be someone I see during lecture or recitation. It could be someone I walk past in the dining hall. Hell, it could even be someone I happen to share an elevator with. Most of the time, I would just pretend that my crushes didn’t exist, and that would just be the end of it. If you don’t cultivate a crush, then it fades over time into nothingness. That was the norm for most of my time in college. But, lately, in the spirit of trying to be more proactive in my life, I have started to talk to people I have a crush on.

God, it feels that I have opened a box of anxiety.

Of course, it’s exciting. Titillating. There is a nervousness pervading my life that makes me feel more alive than I have felt for a while, if vitality is defined by this variety of anxiety. I check my phone a lot more often now, which is not necessarily the best, but it’s something that keeps me active for whatever is to come. At least, when I wake up, I immediately check my phone because I want to receive a particular text from a particular person. Naturally, my mornings are either filled with intense joy or intense anxiety.

I have always been someone who functions better in states of stress, and I could think of no better stress than the stress of getting to know a crush. It’s wild how many people there are in the world. And, despite all of these people out there, there are so few people that are actually compatible with any given person. But, sometimes, in this massive pool, there is someone who matches enough criteria to pique my interest but mysterious enough to warrant constant bewilderment. The process of discovering this personality constitutes the most intense feelings of satisfaction quite similar to my passion for research.

Being in this situation, I can’t help but be reminded of how random it all is. Encounters occur so randomly that have the potential to result in something extraordinary. Or, these encounters could go nowhere. Either way, I find it amazing how experiences as meaningful as love happen so randomly. There are so many opportunities out in the world. These opportunities can be seized or they can slip through my fingers. Of course, sometimes, when I close my fingers, I wince against the sharpness of indifference. It pains me, but I move on. But, other times, I close my fingers and find something that brings me meaning in life.

I can’t help but think: this is either going to end great or extremely poorly. Since I’m trying to live life with a more positive outlook, I’m not going to assume that this is only going to lead to despair. That type of thinking is something I am trying not to take with me, and it starts in frivolous thoughts like this. This might lead to intense joy or intense sadness. At the moment, I don’t know where it is going to go. Normally, the uncertainty would eat me alive. But, at the moment, I am embracing it. There is going to be so much more uncertainty from here on out. Wherever this goes, I’m sure I’ll get something out of it. In sadness or joy, I view the future with excitement.