For me, it’s never been a matter of when or why. I don’t choose when to be sad; I just am, often and unpredictably. The moment of inspiration many people imagine writers to have is a universal reality to me. Because the resting state of melancholy that propels my existence, unlike the temporary relief of the company of my friends and family, is the only truth that has stayed with me throughout my entire life.
With sadness, comes the desire to articulate my emotions — to understand why I feel the way I do. Because, at this point, I no longer find purpose in attempting to vocalizing my feelings to my friends. While sadness, to them, exists as an anomaly, it is a resting reality for me. Their concern, to me, merely exists as an extension of condescension. I have lived with my reality for the past 20 years of my life through suffering I could articulate and suffering I could not. I have lived through multiple moments where I have literally created a plan to take my life. And yet, here I am, still living.
Living, as in living. Each day of living, to me, is a choice. I could choose to metaphorically die, or I could not. And while there are many aspects of my life that I cannot control, there always exists a choice to be made. Because, behind every instance of rejection and heartbreak, there exists the choice of continuing to metaphorically live or die. Because, despite my faith in God, sometimes, the futility of my choices and decisions overwhelm me. And one day, something could happen in my life that would take away all of my choice. The same philosophy and lifestyle that had allowed me to overcome so many difficulties would just not enough. And I would make one bad decision after another. Until,
I am writing because it is my lifeline. My soul. It’s a choice. It’s not a choice. It’s a poem. A chapter. An attempt to assign meaning to the endless sadness that I experience within every second of my life. It’s my attempt to understand. To be understood. To leave an impression on myself. On my friends. On the world, after I die. When I die, sometime.